my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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