I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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