i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
