Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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