I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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