How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
