U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm having to shit out rocks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
