So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize