when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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