Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
