In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
