just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
