Me too!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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