Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
