I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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