I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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