smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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