He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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