I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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