Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i think my tv is drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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