I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
