is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
