ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
