I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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