She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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