well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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