Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
