I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
