she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
