Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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