If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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