accomplished twins. life is a go
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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