I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
