i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
