I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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