M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
