I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
