I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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