some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
