I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
