why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
