im drinking this country out of the recession.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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