Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
