sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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