just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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