I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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