she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
