For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
