he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
