Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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