Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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