I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
