Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
