I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
