your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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