So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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