I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
