I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
