I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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